Hey, I do not know how to start but I'll tell my story, please listen and tell me what to do.

I'm 21 years old guy from stressful anxious family, my mom come from house which her dad has abandoned them at age of 6.
When I was a baby, I was still suckling, so my ** grandma told my mom that I should stop that, and they leave me in my grandma's house for 3 days to stop stuckling, and it worked
My life seems like quiz to me but impossible to resolve.
My childhood was very good, I don't remember anything very bad happened to me or I don't remember any sexual abuse.
At 3nd-6nd grade I was very social, and the most popular in school, next year when I moved to middle school, I desired to make sexual activity with my male friends, and also girls but more desired to males friends, I asked my self if I'm gay or not, but I didn't know the answer because I only liked to have sex with my friends, and not with other handsomes guys. (never tried it).
I had unclear emotions which I started to isolate myself a bit by bit (but I still have same friends until today)
at that time (in middle school) I felt sexual desire to my male teachers, my friends, my dad, my brother too. (maybe freaky desire but I do not control it).
So then I felt big shame and became awkward in social.
I'm wrong (freaky sexual desires), awkward in social, so what did I have left? my look.
I wanted to get perfect look! I focused everything about my look, I knew that I was pretty but wasn't enough perfect for me.

When I finished school I became a bit more socially active, but I still had this feeling of "wrong" following me.
I still remember one day I swear to god that I will never smoke drugs in my life, but my cousins convinced me to try, and I continued smoking and did it with my friends for 1 year and stopped when my social anxiety was very high.
I stopped weed because I was really in mind conflict and had social anxiety, but it was increased when I stopped weed.
I thought that I had depersonalization, I wasn't comfortable talking to my close friends, but my brother was supporting me and convinced me to get over my fears and start working as a waiter, lol it was the hardest thing I ever imagine, but I actually did it, and worked for 1 month, and quit when I was really tired from my mental health.
I was improved in social life from the suffering but depression and anxiety didn't leave me.

I tried to visit psychologist few times, she helped me a bit and said that my mind conflicts might come from the sexual conflict, and I had no depersonalization.
I stopped visit her because it didn't feel good, I just hate these conversations

In past I didn't think about my sexual desire, but after I visited the psychologist I'm thinking a lot about it.

Now I'm worried if I was sexually abuse (if it was removed from memory). evidence for the abuse - is my sexual conflict, also I remember at childhood that I had small attention about sexual or abuse storys, and I liked foot.

I'm worried if I'm abused so I stay in conflicts all my entire life.


****, In past I didn't expect to have all of these problems, I was really happy, but I've carried big weight until now, I started studying in collage, which it require some social activity but I still social anxious, although I'm making some friends now...things a bit better.
My friends which I have since childhood aren't fine for me, I'll not feel comfortable telling them such as these things, my parents are paranoid and I don't want them to feel sorry for me because the shame will be bigger.
Sometimes I speak with my brother although he live in another country.

Please Help, I've carried a lot!