There is a lot of controversy... Over whether the 'deep work' or the 'exploratory work' helps in a way that people wouldn't be helped if they didn't do it... Or whether the 'deep work' or the 'exploratory work' harms in a way that people wouldn't be harmed if they didn't do it.

Opinions are divided...

One thing we can do with our life is try our best to immerse ourself in it. Work on immersing ourself in it as much as possible. Developing coping strategies etc such that we function better than before. Developing relationships etc such that we function better than before. Basically focusing on present difficulties and present problems in coping and trying to shore things up (make the person stronger and more resilient) by working on the stuff that is problematic.

Another thing we can do with our life is spend some time in the present wondering and trying to figure out how we got to be the way we are. The thought is that if we can figure that out (achieve insight) then we will be better able to immerse ourselves in life.

I think that sometimes the latter project can actually interfeare with the former project to the extent that what is really holding one back in life is spending so much time worrying about the latter project! If I spend a lot of time remembering and feeling horrible experiences that I had as a kid then that is preventing me from becoming immersed in my current life. What is the point? To spend a lot of time remembering and feeling horrible experiences that I had as a kid until... I don't feel them anymore? If I immerse myself in life then I don't feel them anymore. Yet somehow people get the notion that I'm 'avoiding' when personally I prefer to refer to it as 'living'.

Balance... Neither pushing the horrible experiences away (all the time)... Nor clinging to them (feeling them all the time).

Where is the real progress? What is the real way forward? I think... That each of us needs to find our own balance and our own path and that either extreme can be positively harmful.

Gerber... Maybe you are pushing yourself too hard sweetie to do something that isn't what you need (isn't helpful for you) at present. I could be off... But your situation really is reminding me of my situation where that situation started about a month ago for me.

I'm terrified that my therapist will grow bored with me. Find me uninteresting. Not want to see me anymore.

And so... A little question that I ask myself (whether consciously or unconsciously) is 'what does he want me to do?' 'who does he want me to be?' 'what do I have to do such that he will still be interested in me and still want to work with me and still want to help me?'

And I often find myself doing / saying... Things that I think will make it more likely that he won't grow bored / sick of me. And then the trouble is... That I feel like I'm misrepresenting myself / performing... And never really being able to be authentic in a way that is truely healing.

So if I think t wants me to cry about and feel those horrible childhood feelings then I'll do that. Even though my biggest worry during the week is how to assert myself with the person scheduling talk times. And then I'll feel guilty for not being authentic so I'll spend the week ruminating on / crying about / feeling those horrible childhood feelings so that I am authentic. Then scheduling a talk time isn't problematic so much as the fact that I haven't written my %#@&#! talk.

And so... I started talking to my therapist about feeling unauthentic. And about feeling afraid that he would grow bored with me / leave me. And... Somehow... He seems to be getting this now / letting me take the initiative more. So talking to him about that doesn't mean that I need to remember and cry about the horrible feelings I had when my Father left. There isn't anything that my therapist can say to me to make me feel less afraid that he will leave me / grow bored with me. But... He can show me he cares about ME and not what it is that he wants me to be. And... That helps. Helps me be assertive (and not worry that the talk scheduler will get pissed with me and hate me forever and ever). Helps me get my talk written (and not worry that the audience will think I'm stupid or boring or whatever).

Living Gerber, don't forget its supposed to be about your quality of life!

(Sometimes I find that I am spending a lot of time ruminating on hard stuff... Sometimes the thing to do is to get better at putting that away and getting into life. Sometimes the thing to do is to allow myself to feel the pain and to grieve for a little while. How do I know what the thing to do is? Well... I'm still learning... But there is a difference between HEALING grieving and WINDING ONESELF UP).