Finding people we can have real conversations with is so important. I am sorry you don't have that. You say you don't know if you want to stay. Perhaps this is what needs to be explored more. Making changes to our lives is not easy. I am sorry you are in such a dark place.
I am not Mormon, but during part of my youth, our family lived in a Mormon community. I remember the pressure the young people in the church felt. One boy (just an acquaintence) at my high school visited our school after going on his mission. At the time (he was older than us), he expressed to our gaggle of friends how he wished that he had not been pressured to go. I always thought that the Mormon activities I participated in had a strange vibe. There were always some Mormons who complied in public settings only but then acted a totally different way behind closed doors. I know this happens in all churches but it was different in this community because the Mormons were in charge of everything--the elementary school, social gatherings, etc. You were isolated if you did not mingle. I liked many Mormons personally but the church seemed to "loom large" over everything. So I totally understand why it is hard for you to leave.