Three years into therapy, we were working on the big question - what is keeping me from progressing in therapy? I have suggested that I'm not a fast learner, but T doesn't buy it because I learn in other areas of my life. She said there is nothing wrong with me, and I am not that impaired. But if I'm not getting better, there has to be a reason for that. (I have a thread in Personality where I've been trying to figure out what progress I have actually made, and I still think there is progress, but probably not nearly enough).

What it comes down to is that I am impaired where it comes to interpersonal relationships. I don't manage them well IRL, and depend heavily on my online relationships here, where I have a lot of control, and where I don't feel as threatened because distance puts limits on intimacy. IRL I keep pushing people away or finding other ways to distance myself. This is where I'm not really making progress.

Since my T is primarily psychodynamic, therapy is supposed to find unmet developmental needs and fill them through the therapeutic relationship. That's what I have been wanting this whole time, but I keep pushing her away too. I have wanted to work through Erikson's stages and see where I have pieces missing. I always thought that I had managed the first stage, trust vs. mistrust, but failed all the others. But I'm really having trouble with trust. It's not limited to therapy, but that's where recovery is supposed to start. Therapy is supposed to be a safe relationship where trust can be built and strengthened. Okay, so I have to learn to trust T, right? I have thought that I did trust her, but now I'm not sure at all. I told her that most of the time I don't even think that she likes me. But she says she wouldn't have stuck with it for this long if she didn't. The reason it hurts her and she gets frustrated and angry about my lack of progress is because she does care about me. But I wonder if she's even going to remember me at all in a few years. I feel like I am so insignificant. I will never belong anywhere, and I will never have the family that I needed in childhood. How can someone who isn't going to be a permanent part of my life fill those needs? How can I trust her if she's not going to be there long-term, and when I don't even think she likes me, and when I have felt hurt and have been so miserable so many times?

I think we are finally on the same page, and she's promising what I always wanted from her, and I could never feel it before. I don't want to reject it now, but I am so scared. I don't want to mess up anymore. I want to get it right, and I want her approval, but trying to get it right has just gotten me in trouble before. I don't want to be in trouble anymore.

Rap