growing strong... i think that is what T wants me to do now, he has not pushed at all for the early trauma stuff.. he says there is lots of time for that.. it's me who feels rushed b/c i feel i will be given the boot.

Alex, the thing is... i'm not spending all my time thinking about the traumas themselves... but about therapy, the process, the relationship, which way it should go, how i feel... etc etc etc. Sometimes, sure, it's about trauma work, but generally that has been relatively rare and contained. We simply haven't done much of it yet.

what we do most is recent past trauma... the stuff that landed me here. And it's important because it's an issue still. My life is a %#@&#! train wreck. He feels i need to work through that stuff so i can connect with how i felt... because it will greatly impact how i handle what is going on now..

i've not yet done a session in a way i felt he wanted me to, but as someone else said above.. i do think i want to control it all.

in the type of therapy we do - schema - the idea is not to just discover why i feel or act as i do, but to discover patterns over my life and then alter those. It's sort of a blend of the different schools...

tomorrow i am asking to reduce down to one per week. i refuse to do any early trauma work right now... until other hurdles have been dealt with.

i have to find a way myself though, to limit the amount of time i read about therapy, spend here or elsewhere talking about it and so on... even doing that would give me back more of my life