Quote:
Originally Posted by birdieputt
My gf and I have been dating for 15 months. We are very happy together most of the time, but she is worried (to the extent that she might not want to be in this relationship) that one day I will physically hurt her in a serious manner, because of various things I've done in the past. I’m pretty sure I won't physically hurt her, since I love her very much and want her to be healthy and alive, but since she keeps mentioning it, it has created some doubt in my mind (maybe one day I WILL hurt her?! am I really a monster?!)
Some examples of past events that's led to her believe her safety is at risk (sorry these might be rambly but I’ll do my best to be succinct):
Event #1:
She wanted to make a costume for a party one evening. I told her I was very tired and said would be nice if we can finish by 10pm so I can go to bed by 11pm. She agreed. However she ended up going way past 10pm and so I gently reminded her that I’d like to rest. She ignored me. So I complained more intensely. Then we started arguing. I felt annoyed, especially by the fact that she didn’t show any empathy or apologise for going way past the time which we agreed on. In the heat of the argument, I impulsively ripped apart the cardboard costume she spend 2 hours making. Obviously, she was very pissed off, so we argued for another few hours, before I made my way back to my own place.
Event #2:
We were in a club for a friend’s birthday party. I found out I lost my card wallet, one she gifted my for my birthday. So I tried to look for it with my phone’s flashlight. I couldn’t find it. So I went back to the restaurant and bar we went to previously in the evening, but couldn’t find it either. I went back to the club, and told my gf I lost the wallet, and I tried to find it, etc. She then started hurling verbal abuse at me, some of which were actually quite hurtful (which I do not mind, but the way she said it she definitely had the INTENTION of hurting me, which I DO mind). Instead of hurling verbal abuse back at her, I splashed my glass of champagne on her face. She went livid…which was kind of the point. She then went crying to her friends. I am now seen as the “bad guy” by all her friends (not complaining, maybe I do deserve that title).
Obviously looking back, it’s clear that I should’ve reacted in a much calmer and mature manner. Let things cool down, take a few deep breathes, etc. I probably have some anger management issues I need to work on. But should I be concerned that one day this will escalate into me physically hurting her? If so, what should I do about this?
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To answer specifically to the question, if being predisposed is supposed to somehow predict how you will behave in the future, no. I don't think that anyone can predict their future behavior, heck sometimes we can't even predict what we'll do in five minutes let alone years later.
but to be more precise to your real concerns, you do seem to have issues with how you handle anger, irritation and such. I commend you on the fact that you're being self analytical enough to notice these things because for the most part those that wind up going too far behaviorally related to anger are either in denial they have a problem or have done nothing to even look at what they do, so this is a huge plus for you and gives you a big opportunity to become self aware and change your behavior.
On another note though, your gf seems to have a mean streak when it comes to anger also. Two volatile personalities together can sometimes feed the fire a lot. So although you can't change her directly, or at all, be aware that you're not the only one that seems to struggle with how to behave when angry.
Therapy may help but even though some may say that getting into anger management itself may help, I would go further to say that anger is an emotion, and it's not only how you behave when angry that is the problem. Thing is how we behave period is much deeper and just learning what your (I hesitate to use this overly used word) triggers are and the underlying force for your behavior will go much further. General therapy for self, or even if not therapy, self learning will help a lot.