I mean, other than seeing a doctor... because I'm really not wanting to get help of any sort at the moment. :\

But is there a defining feature or aspect to it? How can you really know?

Thing is, I don't get 'flashbacks' or nightmares or anything. I get occasional stress dreams but pretty rare. And I don't even know what a flashback truly is tbh so I don't think I'm getting any.

I've been questioning though on some level ever since 'the event' happened. At the beginning I thought I was just getting paranoid due to the fact I already was mentally ill and so I told myself to stop trying to give myself more problems or something. So I just forgot about it.

But as time moves on, I don't think of it all the time, but if a trigger comes up I get more and more sensitive and afraid. My life is on pause, it's like I'm 16 still and I'm 19 nearly 20. Because I have an eating disorder which is always at the forefront of my mind I suppose that's the distraction. But when I'm not thinking of food and all that, it's pretty much the past that starts sucking me up, and it always feels like it's there a little bit in the back of my mind waiting to torment me.

Lately it was the 3 year anniversary of the event. This time of year is difficult for this reason and it just brought it all back. My dad was wearing his cap which I find upsetting because that's what he wore that night. Certain tones of voices and phrases can bring it all back. But because I'm always at home, I don't notice it all the time, but there is always a feeling of fear and anxiety whenever he's around and I definitely wouldn't say I feel safe at home, even though I'm not exactly in danger.

I tried talking to my mum and it took multiple goes to actually say which event I was referring to. And when I talked about it I felt guilty, shameful, like I've just talked about something 'taboo' that I'm not allowed to talk about and I started getting palpitations and random tears forming. Not crying, just the odd tear leaking from my eye. I couldn't really control it I was just scared.

Me and my dad have had so many arguments I can't count, but this one always always stays with me, and I just can't push it away.

I know I've said a lot but I still don't know if what I'm going through is something more than just natural anxiety after a scary event. I just sort of want some answers from people who understand PTSD and can educate me on what could be happening..?