I wonder if you feel conflicted about your sexuality because of your feelings of shame for having sexual desires for men or what you consider freaky desires? It might be that you were raised with restrictive values towards what was accepted or what was considered wrong. It might be helpful to ask a therapist about that kind of thing.

My suggestion (other than giving therapy another try) would be to give yourself a little bit of a break. Try to worry less that you're 'wrong'. I think you'd surprised at the freaky things many, many people desire or at least think about. It's a normal thing, especially when you're young and still figuring out you're sexuality. It takes some of us a long time and it's an uncomfortable process but if you try not to judge yourself so much it will be easier. I know that's difficult because I spend way too much time judging myself for lots of things.

If you're feeling negative about yourself or ashamed then it might be contributing to, or even causing, some of your social anxiety. Also, if you're feeling shame about your feelings and desires and wanting to hide them from your friends, that could be making it harder to feel as close or comfortable with them as you'd like.

As long as it's consensual and not harming yourself or others, then your desires aren't 'wrong'. With time and experience (and maybe talking to a therapist) you'll probably be able to figure out which things are just fantasy and which things you might actually want to do. The solution then might be to find other freaky people that you can feel safe talking to (online and anonymous is a good way to start) and maybe sort out your feelings and help you feel better about yourself.