So, after a long period of being unemployed due to lack of jobs in my area, I finally started a new job. It's huge warehouse with clothing, over a thousand people working there. I pack stuff which is a pretty monotone and complicated work at times. The enviroment is very stressful for me because of the number of people working there and the noise. We work morning shifts a lot, which means I often have to get up at three o clock at night to get there for my shift because the place is far away from my hometown. I kind of manage standing for eight hours straight, which suprises me because my ilnesses make it sometimes hard to take physical activitiy (i have congenital hypothyroidism and adrenal hyperplasia and endometriosis).

I managed to get along with other people at the beginning of work because we were all new and stressed, but now everyone picked their people and mostly they get along with others by talking of other people. I know I seem hostile to others because I barely make any facial expressions and my voice is pretty monotone and I just cannot act spontaneous and sometimes say weird stuff as I cannot stand small talk so i quickly became isolated. I'm derealized most of the time due to all these enviromental stimulus. The lack of being spontaneous causes me a lot of stress and the past strong bullying experiences made me extremely self conscious and socially phobic. I wish i could just talk pleasantly to others and joke, but I'm just not this kind of person and others take me for odd (they just talk to me when they need information because I'm very well informed). I'd give anything to work on my own, away from others.

It's not easier due to the fact that my grandmother passed away yesterday and i was at work while everyone was saying goodbye to her. I isolate myself even more from others and even my family members such as my other grandmother were like "You don't even seem to bother" which hurt me. But I just don't want to get along with others in this moment, don't want to feel their emotions and I just want to be left alone. I proccess it my own way.