Sounds more like you are trying to persuade yourself. You go off your meds, get worse then refuse meds, refuse help by convincing yourself you don't need it, it ends in a crisis. Your life isn't working the way it's going. Why not try a program that might help? Except that you don't give in to the SI, your reasons for not going sound more like reasons you should go. You are isolating and isolation is rarely a good thing for us.