I was only diagnosed with depression when I was pregnant and had stopped taking Paxil a few weeks before I became pregnant. So I was dealing with withdrawal brain zaps and dizziness from pregnancy at the same time. My doctors tried to encourage me to stay on meds while pregnant but I refused and refused treatment for sometime after delivery. I was a mess in someways and at my best in others. I decided to go back on anti-depressants and that is when all hell broke loose for me. I became manic, and made questionable choices and almost got myself killed.....but I didn't endanger my son. I remained somehow functional for him and excelled in life....working full time, getting straight A's in college, providing love and financial support for my child despite being in a very unhealthy marriage. When my son was 2, I locked myself in my bedroom for a month and refused to see anyone but my husband. My parents took care of my son during this time and I'm thankful. Without a support system I would have failed. My husband abused me in every possible way when I was locked in that room. My parents begged me to come out and at least let them see my face but I wouldn't open the door or let them inside. My mom screamed at my husband and said "you're letting her die in there" and he screamed back "she's just lazy". My parents had the police come over and they stood outside my bedroom door begging me to get help. I didn't and almost died for various reasons. Having support when you have children and this illness is critical. I'm so embarrassed about that month I spent away from my child. About my IP stays and need for help. But even mentally healthy people need help when it comes to having children.

My son is 19. He ran away from home at 15. Not because he was unhappy but because he was about to hit it big as a rapper. He called me and said "don't worry mom, I'm fine....I'm moving to New York with the help or some friends and I'm going to be the next Eminem....I know you are worried but I'm fine I promise so please just wish me luck". That incident along with several others have convinced me he's "one of us". He most likely lost the genetic lottery and now has grandiose delusions at times. But he's such a freakin awesome kid. So handsome and genuine and caring and kind.....passionate and intelligent and fun to talk to. He struggles so much because he battles a deadly physical disease as well as apparent mental issues and depression. But he's wonderful and I do not regret it and I don't think either of my parents or anyone who knows me would consider me a bad mother. If I had it to do over again, I would have stuck with treatment and therapy. I'm glad I stayed off meds while pregnant and would choose the same. I'd rather stay IP for 9 months than risk ANYTHING med related being forced upon an unsuspecting infant. But this is not the safe choice for everyone.

I will be 42 in January and really want to have 2 more kids or be a foster parent. With my illness I'm not sure either is a good idea but history proves I'm a good parent and the one thing I have plenty of is patience and love. Good luck on your decision. I didn't think much before having children or I might have talked myself out of it back then. I'm glad I didn't and very grateful for the lovely son I had the privilege of giving birth to and loving for nearly 20 years. Without him my life would have less meaning....I would probably be dead now if it weren't for him. He made me an even better and stronger person and showed me the true meaning of unconditional love.

Best of luck and I wish you nothing but happiness.