I'll be turning 30 in may and I'm thinking so much about everything including having my own family. Is it bad that I don't think I want kids? I can't risk being taken off meds. That scares me so bad. I absolutely cannot sleep without seroquel. And even if I stayed on meds while pregnant, what if it harmed the baby? I'd never forgive myself. And ok... if I had a kid with someone and we split, that guy will tell a judge I'm crazy and he'll take my child. Omg I can't imagine. I just don't think I'm cut out for it. I have pets and that's good enough. They're so therapeutic to me like service animals. Maybe I'm being hard on myself. When I was 10 I had to take care of my baby sister but still, that was before the BP. God I don't know. I wanted kids at one time but I've been cycling so bad lately from stress so imagine the toll that taking care of a child would do. My bf and I were talking about this last night and he said "you take your seroquel and pass out and put cigarette burns in things. You can't take care of a baby at night. You'd never sleep." And he's right. I can't even hold down a job so how can I take care of another human being?

I'm about to just throw my hands up and welcome the lonely life. My dad won't have grandkids, and I do feel bad for that. But I just don't think I'm cut out for my own family. I've always been a loner and did my own thing.