How do you deal with knowing about your condition and also to "see" it in action but helpless to effect positive change or control?

I mean like....

Okay....we are like a guy at work even though it's so like disconnected and barely any memories about it, but......we know that we "switch" transforming into an entirely opposite Other- me when we get home.

It makes me pukey thinking about it. Even the guys get sick thinking about it....that I know.

It's like peeking at their essence through a window....watching with no self awareness.

Now I'm up and everything else is a dream. Is this for real?

Just knowing that we are suppose to be one but totally fragmented drives our anxiety and stress. I feel so disgusted in myself because I know that which makes it fantasmal.

How do you handle being in a body that is yours but yet not yours?

Like I'm in a guys body and it's not right but I also know that we have guys that are like okay with this body, so I feel alien.

Not to only mention that I'm out almost as much as they every night on my time.

It's soul devastating to be me so much I hate being me. Even though we get to do our girl things...it's just not the same. We are so in a league by ourselves.

Does it bother and how do you deal to accept it? I'm so mad at God right now that this is all so unfair.