Rapunzel, think how old you are and how many years you have not been practicing/learning good interpersonal relationships. That is not going to change much in three years therapy, especially if you have not been working outside of therapy, using anything you've learned here or in therapy?

I "weave" back and forth between what I learn in therapy and online groups like this and what I practice/learn from work and life in the real world. Keeping to the present and analyzing present feelings and problems in light of past feelings and situations helps me the most.

Because therapy is a process, too, it is harder to "see" what is going on until further down the road, when we're not in it so much. I could look back after 5-6 years of therapy and see patterns from years 2-3 that I hadn't seen at that time. I finished therapy after 9 years and can look and see a "whole" pattern of patterns :-) now. It's like my life itself. Now I'm retired and 57 and I can see lots of really neat patterns and how things developed when I was 20 and 30, etc. Could have fooled me when I was those ages!

What do you want? "Better interpersonal relationships" is a good goal but a bit vague; better with whom? I think we look at other people and see them when they are talking to friends or throwing parties, etc. and are a bit jealous, think they have so many more friends and better relationships than we do and are better at it than we are, etc. but I'm beginning to realize that isn't necessarily true for the most part. Anyone looking at my life and family and friends I've had through the years, etc. would feel I "should" be happy and well adjusted, etc. and everything would be fine but that's not how I see it. I too feel I am not very good at interpersonal relationships and worry excessively about getting "old" and being alone, etc. I think if we are anxious about certain areas of our lives, think they need improvement, we're not going to focus on how "good" they may be or how truly they compare with others. I've had my good relationships and "moments" :-) and I think everyone gets those and some get more than others but it's not different than other aspects of our lives.

My T once scared/upset me to death asking did I really want to get to know other people? I had been so focused on doing what I thought one was "supposed" to do that I'd never asked myself that question; how much not making friends and being outgoing, joining, etc. was part of my makeup or interests. You know how people interested in music play/practice their instrument, and writers write, etc.? Well, I suspect sociable, "loving" people are sociable and loving a lot more than I am! There's hard "work" involved in listening to other people (like our T's do) and being interested and investing ourselves in them. I'm not sure I always want to work that hard at it. Yes, I can be very friendly and I am extremely helpful and love helping others but that's not the same as being good at making friends and having friends and being part of a group like that. I don't mind being at parties and eating :-) and talking to others for a bit but I don't necessarily like the work of planning such a thing. You aren't going to find me calling even 3-4 people for a small get-together. I think that might have a little to do with why I'd be hard-pressed to find 3-4 people to call :-)

T's and therapy are a different thing. They're adjuncts to the real world. My T originally compared our relationship to her putting food on a table and having to turn away while me, a starving child, would sneak up and take the food when she wasn't looking :-) Not much of a relationship. But I don't steal food much anymore; I eat with others (my manners are just a bit sloppy though still :-) and I even talk to those I eat with, look them in the eye, thank them, etc. LOL

I think it will happen for you but it takes time. How much time something takes us depends on how much we want it and work on it. It took me 9 years of therapy working on it probably 12/7 (not always when at work, sometimes I did concentrate on work and not all of the time I was sleeping/dreaming was related to my issues, etc. :-)