I'm Bipolar II. I was able to come off of my anti-depressants a few months ago as they'd pushed me into hypomania with extreme insomnia. I'm having some health issues (abdominal - more tests next week). I hate the holidays. I alternate between hoping I have stage IV cancer and that it's no big deal. I realized tonight that I am not in a sustainable situation. Lonely, living far away from loved ones/support for financial reasons, etc. I know that at some point this is going to get me. I'm sad now but not in crisis. But at some point it is going to sneak up and bite me on the butt. I really can't change my situation. I can't afford to give up my really good job (and, hey, I'm so good they have no idea I'm so close to crisis). My loved ones have enough on their plates as it is. I don't want to burden anyone.

This is all perfectly rational to me. And that is kind of scary. I lost my mom 4 years ago. She died in a wonderful hospice, very peacefully. I think about how physical conditions are treated with pain killers. What are we supposed to do with mental pain?

And I bounce back and forth like a yo-yo. I'm okay and not okay at the same time. But the realization that this is not sustainable long term kind of gets me. I honestly don't know what to do.