Many people here are telling you to get therapy. I agree and see many red flags which point in the direction of a mental health issue. I won't say which one you seem to belong to because I'm not a doctor but if you tell them what you've told us here I think they might be able to help. I don't think anything we could say will be adequate for you. If you just want to vent, that's okay too but this is not the kind of problem that venting tends to lessen. Good luck.