Hello Candistyx -- This is an enormous amount of suffering and pain to keep bottled up. Thank you for trusting us at the forums enough to share it with us.

I agree with SweetCrusader: These thoughts, feelings, and impulses do not come from nowhere. Drugs, not sleeping, self-starvation/fasting are all methods of inducing additional stress that impacts our emotional states. The saint may use it for spiritual trance, but you are going in quite another direction with it.

I urge you to get counseling.You have shared a lot with us, and I hope you will come back and continue to find support on the forums.

But the face2face counselor can help you investigate the whole picture. If you are in class, there is probably a free counseling service on your campus. City and state governments usually have a health department that may offer a counseling service or can refer you. United Way Family Services also can be an affordable resource for you.

It's pretty hard to follow through on plans and ideas when you have to go it alone. The support and input of other people is very important for helping us reach our goals.

I've had a rough 18 months, so I know what it feels like when life sucks. I hope you will do your best to continue to get help for yourself. You ARE WORTH the effort it takes, no matter how challenging those efforts seem right now.