Over the course of many years I have caught feelings for various people… However, I have only had an actual relationship, having only dated, one of these individuals. And every single time it has ended horribly and my depression has been getting drastically worse with each one. I have now determined that in my life catching feelings leads to varying degrees of more severe depression. It seems that when I get these feelings everything seems brighter and each one of these relationships gave me hope in a different way.

For example, the first person that shared mutual feelings with me gave me hope that people might actually be capable of caring for me as I had never felt cared for before.

The next gave me hope that I could actually get medical help for my conditions, which I won’t go too far into detail.

The next gave me hope that love was actually real after giving up on the last one.

And the final one, the one I actually dated, gave me hope that I could stop my disorder completely. When I was dating this particular individual, my disorders seemed to stop. They became so manageable and quiet that I was able to completely ignore them because I was too distracted being in such deep love I presume. That is only a theory however, I do not know what actually caused the various degrees of mental illnesses to cease tormenting me.

The final of the four, as previously stated, triggered the deepest darkest depression that I’ve had so far in my, sadly, long life. After multiple, three to be exact, attempts to end the suffering; all failures obviously, I was able to get to the point now where things are nowhere near better however they are somewhat bearable.

I am still madly in love with this last individual that I dated. Although she shows no interest and has cut off all contact that I have with her and is threatening to call the cops or get a restraining order from me if I ever talk to her again.

Regardless my main point and purpose of writing this thread was to ask a quite complicated question...

What should I do?

I have always wanted to find someone to love ever since I was a little kid. I have always dreamed of having someone that I could spend my days with and try to enjoy life despite my various mental illness that make life so horrible.

I have however reconsidered due to various reasons. The major reasons being; the fact that I have had so much trouble finding people that I care about, the fact that I have so much trouble keeping a relationship, the fact that no one will ever be as good of a partner as the last of the individuals, and the fact that I don’t believe that anyone could have a relationship with me.

I think I should elaborate further on that last one. I don’t believe that anyone could have a relationship with me because I am asexual. I do not like the thought of sexual actions. I have not ever engaged in and I do not ever want to engage in any of these actions. I also don’t feel comfortable doing romantic actions such as kissing and touching. Therefore, what person would want to have a relationship with someone that doesn’t want to do anything with them. Sure I would be fine with short hugs and maybe hand holding if I am up to it but I think that anyone would lose interest and try to find someone who would want to do those things with them.
In conclusion, I wrote this mostly just to vent and to see if anyone could offer any advice.

If you have read all of this I would like to thank you for taking the time to do so.

Take Care,
MM20