Oh (((((((((st0psign)))))))))!
A day doesn't go by that I don't think about it either.
And I would plead with you to not do this. I'd not be so clueless as to think you'd agree with me on that right now, but if you don't want to consider calling for help, can I please ask that you at least call it a night and get some sleep? I realize I can't tell you what to do. But I care, and hope you will consider it, ok?