I struggle so much with trust, vulnerability, and the idea of letting anyone in. I get so furiously, defensively angry over it. I despair of ever being able to deal with this. I have been hurt so badly and I struggle to even try to convince myself that anyone could or would want to or be able to "help" me.

I read articles and books about how to rebuild trust, but the way they talk about it, it's so pale and weak in comparison to how it actually feels to constantly be afraid of everyone. And especially afraid of doctors, therapists, and anyone else who expects me to let them see my dark side or the places where I'm hurt.

I feel like a wounded animal. A coyote with its paw in a trap. I want to kill (metaphorically) anything that comes near me because I’m trapped and vulnerable every second of every day. I can’t view anything from any different perspective. I’m in too much pain and terror. I can’t let anyone get close; they’re here to hurt me and even if they’re not, the pain is too great and I am too maddened from it. I want to drive them away and I will (metaphorically) hurt them if I have to.

And if they won’t go away then I have to gnaw off my own leg to get free but I won’t owe anyone anything, I don’t want to owe anyone any favors or let them have anything to hang over my head they can use to hurt me more. They’ll gloat and rub my nose in it. People aren’t worth the pain. They’re not good enough to be able to help me. They should leave me alone. I’d rather bleed to death as a wild and rabid coyote than let them touch me. Nobody would miss me. I wouldn’t miss me. I’m just a liability. Something people have to put up with. Something that makes other people angry because they don't know what to do with my fear and anger. Better to be alone.

I feel like I've been hurt so badly that I can't tolerate people anymore. I don't know how to get better from this when I can't tolerate people. I have spent two years trying to get up the courage to try therapy again, for real this time, but I can't do the things you have to do in therapy to get better. And I don't know how to say "I can't do that" and expect anyone to know what to do when my defenses are not going to respond to typical therapy techniques. Nobody seems to get it, how it takes every scrap of courage I have just to not run out of the door.

Sorry. Just really needed to rant a bit. Trying to get on some antidepressants and having to go through the intake process is pure hell. I want to run away. I hate these people. I'm so afraid.