Currently I am IP due to a PTSD triggered Bipolar Episode.

Four weeks ahoTherapy on side issues triggered the PTSD and within days I was out of control, agitated, focused on revenge or SI. Three days later I 'snapped' out of it and was obsessed with studying for my university exam. This lasted 8 days until I saw my psychiatrist and told him about the bad three days. That night I went dark again and had to sit my exam the next day while in a bad mental state.

Next day my doctor hospitalised me for PTSD triggered mixed mania. After a few days on the edge of sanity I 'snapped' into euphoric mania for 6 days. it was awesome, the past had no hold on me and i felt invincible. the inevitable crash occurred and pushed me into mixed mania (depression with mania at the same time) and PTSD. I was highly sucidal and obsessed. Several times since i have switched into euphoric mania which felt like a holiday from the darkness.

The meds have calmed down the mania and I seem to switch between being ok but 'up' to being hit by PTSD with strong SI. I just can't find stability. It is one or the other, no in-between.

My question is can anyone make themselves dissociate to snap out of very dark places. I do it but have no control on when and how long for. I feel stuck as I cannot live in either state but especially the PTSD/mixed place. It is shear torment. I don't want to 'process' the trauma in therapy as I feel I will not survive it so how can I just shove it down into a box inside me and lock it away forever, or at least until I can cope with it?