so, i managed to allow physical contact with a couple of people this morning after the AA meeting... just simple hugs. its easier with them cuz i know, at least logically, that they are "safe" people, even though my brain is still in major aversion mode.

all i want right now is to hide in my room and curl up under the covers and avoid the world forever... people are overwhelming.

instead, i am sitting at a coffee shop with my laptop. technically isolating. not with anyone. just sitting on the patio, with a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. its the whole alone while surrounded by people thing, but its about all i can handle right now.

i am still sober, but i self injured yesterday, and had to go acquire medical treatment... i had gone to a potluck at the 12 step club for thanksgiving, managed to stay for a few hours, but there were a lot of people, kind of too many for me, and i ended up leaving without really saying bye to anyone.

it's still really hard to talk about what is going on inside for me. i know i should call my pdoc or T but its scary... i don't wanna go IP, i never wanna go IP honestly, but i'm scared that they would make me...

i still feel like i can't do this... its too much... im just going thru the motions, while in my head, the su thoughts are floating around and almost seem like they are getting stronger... i was feeling su before all this and its only gotten worse now...