Triggering***************************************************










I am tired.. and flattened... and I am posting because it hurts so very much...
I worked with the body memory expert today.. and finally an alter told her story...some many years and she finally spoke.. so there is no more struggles inside me.. there is understanding.. sadness.. pain... but not frustration any more.....

When I was 5... turning 6... we moved to a rural area.. a farm.. and I went to a one room school house.. with all grades.. one teacher.... the teacher.. was mean.. and there were different punishments.. including holding out your hands to get wacked... there was a "outhouse".. a cellar for keeping things cold... I got locked in the cellar once... so dark... so cold...

I was a kindergardener.. and I had to leave at noon... to walk the mile to the babysitter....
I always knew.. that I would take the wrong turn in the road... and get lost... the memories of freezing.. my feet so cold.. my hands soooo cold... my cheeks sooo cold.. my little knees so very could.... and the tall banks of snow...that I couldn't see over... and the deep, deep, deep ditches.. that you could fall down into..
There were times.. I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep.. the cold so great..
The babysitter never came to find me ever... she was an unbalanced person... her house filty... dirty.. smelly.. like urine.. and poop... and she did laundry with a wringer washer.. and there was garbage all over.. and chicken.. "stuff" all over the yard... and...she made me nap with her granddaughter.. who always wet the bed...

I so so so hated to go there....

My father berated me for getting lost... and neighbor would find me wandering the backroads.. half frozen.. and bring me to the babysitters.. and then my father at night would say "how can you miss the turn" "how can you get lost"... and yes.. called me "stupid"... and that is how I felt..

But you see.. there was more to it.. and I have tried and tried.. to get my alter to tell.. to share...but she didn't want anyone to know.. being called "stupid" was better that being punished for being "bad"... yes.. it was....

I chose the wrong turn on purpose... yes I did... I would rather have frozen... and gotten lost than go to the babysitters... so that is what I did....and... I am saddened... just very saddened..

That both my parents knew.. that I a 6 years was out wandering gravel roads... and did nothing to help....