i understand and totally relate,im 32 to and live not that far from you in manchester,in an ideal world id give you a big bear hug and an ear for you to talk to.

by smokes do you mean cannabis or regular fags? you can get CBD oil and a vape stick from a lot of vape shops-CBD being the component of cannabis that doesnt get you high,rather takes away your anxiety and pain plus its legal in the UK and lasts a lot longer than your average mary jane anyway.
if you mean regular cigs, have you thought of trying a vape stick? you can get all levels of nicotine including 0%,theres no way near as many bad chemicals in them as cigarettes so its a better swap if you can cope with the taste,my mum was a heavy smoker,had tried champix medication when that came out-it didnt work but now just uses a vape stick and absolutely no cigs.

you are welcome to PM me if you need a chat,i have felt like you do for a long time but im attempting to get councilling and talking therapy-have you tried this and has it helped you?
i think you need to get your feelings out,if you want to be brutal with how you feel you can always email the samaritans-id give you the email address but i dont think you can put things like that on here,ive been to the samaritans head office in manchester before they do free no appointment;one to one councilling its very good and it saved me from being sectioned,i recommend it if youve got a head office in birmingham.