Yes, I am very lucky to have an excellent pdoc. We've been together since the 90s! I have so many people who care but we are 2,000 miles away. I'm a very fast cycler - it actually still amazes me after all these years. So I can be okay with things, then in a panic or crying - all in a very short space of time. It's a rollercoaster.

I moved home back in 2011 and was there for about a year. Things did not go as I'd hoped or expected and it was very painful for me. Then my mom, who was living with me, died rather suddenly. We were extremely close and I consider it a miracle that I am still alive after losing her.

Do you feel there is a line about depending on others that you won't cross? I mean, I don't want to be any kind of burden and most of my loved ones have pretty full plates already. Now I do realize that if I were to do away with myself, this would only make them feel worse. But I don't want to depend on them too much. The person I love most in the world has physical and mental health issues that are so bad (especially the physical) that it's all he can do to get through the day. I do realize that part of what I'm saying isn't really rational - or is it?

Life is so complicated already and when you have this rapid cylcing mood extreme nonsense too, it just makes it so much worse.