I know exactly what you're feeling bpnurse. Last year was the first Christmas without my husband and it was the worst. I didn't do hardly anything that I usually do. I had to go through the motions because my son is so young and he deserves a great Christmas but it hurt so bad. Especially because Christmas was my husband's favorite holiday. He loved picking out just the right gifts for everyone, especially our son.

Last year I decided I couldn't stand waking up in my mom's house and doing Christmas there without my husband so we decided to stay overnight at my grandmother's house just for a change of scenery. It helped a lot just to be doing something different that I wouldn't have done had my husband been alive. My son loved it. He wants to do it again this year but I'm feeling stronger this year so I think I can handle Christmas at home.

So this is the second Christmas without him and I felt pretty down about that a week or so ago but my son has helped cheer me up. He insisted we decorate for Christmas the day after thanksgiving so we put the tree up and put our Christmas lights outside. I think it helps to have a young child who loves Christmas to get you in the Christmas mood.

I'm sure I'll go back and forth this year. Right now I'm excited about the prospect of picking out gifts for everyone and doing my baking and stuff but next week it could be different. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself this time to grieve. The year of firsts is tough but it does seem to be getting a little easier for me as time goes on.