I have had time where I have completely broken down on a close friend and I mean total meltdown - slobbery tears, snot, shuddering sobs and gasping for oxygen type melt down. That person is still my friend. Real friends can deal with that kind of thing. I hope that you have someone with whom you can be completely you, without the fear of being rejected, but if there is no one like that in your life then finding a therapist who you can trust is another option. Keep safe, hugs Hef