My brain snapped on Saturday night - PTSD trigger. I was almost out of control but an amazing friend talked me down while the nurse were too busy to see me. I owe my friend my life. Yesterday, I felt off - agitated, irritable and anxious. My parents took me out but the beach water was full of sand and a strong wind was blowing so I didn't swim. Once back at my parents I tried to chill but couldn't so came back to hospital. Felt like such a failure.

Last night the bad feelings returned so the nurses bombed me out with meds. Feeling hungover (it is 9.30am) but that should pass. Still feel wild-eyed but trying to manage without meds. Found out i put on 15 pounds (4.5kg) in three weeks IP. Makes me want to starve myself. i had been doing so well but the olanzapine and the craving it creates are killing me. I want off the meds and to go home. See what my pdoc says today.

yesterday an amazing nurse talked to me for an hour helping me find better solutions to my puzzle than killing myself. She really helped me and I feel like I can make it out of her alive and maybe live to an old age rather than assume the worst. It is not an easy fix but the conversation really helped me move in the right direction. Some nurses deserve massive awards and she is one of them.