I am about to enter a new phase of my life although I prefer to stay in the moment and ignore the challenges of what is about to come. I will start my first job on January. Residency at some hospital.
I also did this seriation National exam, so I could apply to a medical speciality at my country. I did good. My grade was good enough to give me plenty of options to chose from. Even so I tend to think it wasn't amazing.
By these days all my colleagues talk about is the grade... Everyone wants to know what everyone had... Because they care about other people, because they want to know how competition is going to be.
I don't like to brag, in fact I normally don't like people who brag a lot. But I wanted to show off a little (my sister shows me off to her friends). No one asked me, I didn't ask anyone. Since the exam I just had a few small talks with my colleagues.
Last weekend I had a ceremony at my faculty. Today I had another ceremony. It was about hipocrates oath (?). But at both, despite the many opportunities I had I barely talked to someone. It's sad and stupid, I know, but I am tired of imposing rules on myself and feeling bad because I am not as good as I wanted to be. I decided I should face my challenges at my own pace. And stop blaming myself. I didn't stop caring and I didn't stop trying. The truth is that I am not close to any of my colleagues and I dread running out of things to say. Whatever. And I am shy and I feel anxious when I have to approach and join a big group of people. I will not get back all this years of loneliness by spending some time sitting next to people I not 100% comfortable with. I would rather start our aquitence all over again. I will meet a lot of new people after January. I am not expecting myself to be an all new person or to act differently from what I normally do. But without false hope I wish I can do better. I wish I can grow a little and improve. I am now focused on changing first my way of thinking and my self image. I am aware it will be hard, but normally I tend to imagine the future more darker than it really is, so perhaps it will be easier than I think.

Back to my grade. I was expecting far worse. After finishing the exam I was so worried I did bad and then I confronted my answers with the corrections and I had a pleasant surprise. It's strange because some weeks ago I thought I would be happy if I got at least a little bit less than I got and now I worried there will be many people having better grades than mine. It's seems like this year people's grades are higher than previous years, even it is hard to know by now. So, stupidly I worry, what if the only reason I had a good grade was because the exam was easy? And what if most people did good and by comparison I am not that good? I have been all my life comparing myself to everyone and having the feeling I am not good enough if I am not among the best. It's stupid, I know, but it is the only thing that feeds my self worth. After the exam a friend of mine was kidding me, predicting that I would have a certain grade that was in fact very close to what I have got and my sister answered that it wouldn't happen because I didn't study that much... That is the detail that still can make me believe in my abilities. I have studied hard, but I get tired easily and it's hard for me to stay focused... It has been like this since eleventh grade, but it hasn't preventing me from having good grades and being among the best. I can't stop wondering how would it be if I could really apply myself. But if I started thinking what if to everything the possible scenarios would be infinite. I can only know for sure what have indeed happened. Sometimes I wish my colleagues knew how hard I have it so they could value me... But I should know I don't need their opinions to develop a better opinion about myself.
I am very aware that my worries may seem shallow and narcissistic, but that is not my intention I can't help it but feel this way.