mostly venting

I don't want to feel. I'm tired of feeling. Feeling is overrated. SO is being awake. I just want to go to sleep. There is an all dorm meeting tonight. It's required. I don't want to go. I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm okay. I'm just tired. Let me hide. Why won't my brain stop. It just keeps spiraling me downward. It sucks. I hate it. I hate me. It is so irrational. Why can't I fix me. Why can't I be okay. I just want to curl up and drown myself in TV or something. But I have a paper to write. I need to write this paper. And I need to go work for drama. But I want to lay down. The drama people don't really know me. I feel out of place there. Not part o it. But I need these hours for credit and I need these credits because my scholarships depend on them. Why do I have to be responsible. Getting straight A's is so hard and it's so much pressure but I"m not sure I could handle a B. I'm not sure I can handle anything. Why do I have to be awake. Why can't I just keep running. Running and not looking back. Why can't I quit looking back...

Now off to pretending and being responsible