well, i feel like the immediate stuff needs addressing when it boils over, but i see it as the product of the patterns and i won't solve anything until i solve those. i deliberately asked to switch from the weekly crisis points to something larger because i knew we'd be doing that forever. i asked him if in the 9months we'd been seeing each other at the time if he recall any week in which nothing big happening and he said none came to mind. My life is a tornado.

i do have to talk with him about my expectations and his, surrounding therapy i mean. we touched on it today when i told him i feel pressured to "do something" each time or do more, faster. It's because i don't want to let him down and because i am terrified he'll just say that i have been doing this long enough, get out. He said we definitely have to talk about that until i can believe and trust him.

i freeze up if i go in and just see what i want to talk about. i just go blank. And even if he has no set agenda or time-frame... i simply can't financially afford to have many sessions in which i just stare at the floor. That's a thing too.. i need to make sure i do what i can, i am pretty poor and i spend almost all i have on therapy.

i do need to push less... but honestly, i don't have a lot of choice sometimes. i feel like a vulcano and the pressure builds, if i don't let it out then it will explode