Thanks again for all the kind and wise answers. I know that I have kind of a substance problem even thoug I am not drinking or drugging myself constantly. Anyway I will cut with all this for a while, also to make diagnosis easier. I hope I can and I won't fall back into depression. I also use the drinking to help me sleep sometimes and sometimes I drug myself just to stop the spinning thoughts. But I know that is not the way. I will try to concentrate on sports and healthy eating. Seeing my friends and work. Maybe I needed to get to that point where I wake up all bruised and in shock about what I did to realize I need to change no matter what mental illness I might have.