Dear all,

I’m in a relationship with a girl who I dearly love. And she loves me, too, which is great. But the relationship has been problematic pretty much since the beginning. We’ve now been dating a little over two years (she's 33; I'm 31). So, as you can see, I’ve stuck around, partly because there are improvements. Still, I want to ask your advice because the relationship continues to be problematic to an extent that it really gets to me. For now, I have decided to continue the relationship. There are three main reasons. First, we really love each other. Second I believe that it takes time to get the fine tuning right. Third, however, I also have to admit that I am afraid of breaking up. I know why I love my girlfriend very much and I know it will be hard to find someone with interests as closely aligned (very specific interests).

The problems, in a nutshell, are that my girlfriend is easily offended, very moody, jealous, terrible at apologizing and even worse at self-reflection and empathy. Add to that a tendency to withdraw completely as soon as things go south (she’ll lock me out, turn off her phone, and even leave abandon me at places without me having any chance of getting back by myself). All of these things don’t happen every day, of course. But they continuously show up. It’s a repeating pattern. Things will be great for a while (“I want to have kids”, “I love you”, "I know I can be an ***", etc.) and then absolutely horrendous—pretty much without any warning (though PMS is a good indicator).

I can give you countless examples. But perhaps one will suffice. The other week, we wanted to go to the gym. She suggested a gym that was rather far away. So I said “hey, I know you don’t like driving very far, so have you thought about that other gym? Might that be an idea?” She said she was happy to try it out. But when we got there, the gym had “women’s day.” Which meant I couldn’t go inside. At that point my girlfriend got very upset. My repeated attempts to tell her that she can gladly go on her own and that I had checked the hours before and hadn’t read anything about a “women’s day” did not calm her down. I had to leave the car as she was getting increasingly furious. Later one, she apologized. But I could tell she was still mad.

This small anecdote really is a great example of our problems. My being understanding, empathetic, apologetic just does not help. Sometimes it does the opposite. It makes her furious. Now, in the last half year or so, I’ve started to not be the “nice” one all the time. I’ve started to give her clear boundaries. She often reminds me of a child (I work as a teacher), which is why I started setting such limits. I also know that I’m not innocent. I can set her off. I can be condescending. I’m mentally (but not physically) withdrawn at times. Still, knocking on wood, I’ve had a very fulfilled life and very few problems so far. My friends describe me as loyal, self-reflective, idealistic and mentally strong. But this relationship is really my ultimate challenge. One thing I’ve noticed is that it brings out a “needy” side in me. That is, when my girlfriend withdraws completely (like for days on end) it really makes me nervous; I sleep poorly; and I usually and ultimately then reach out to her apologizing for things, which I often think I should not be apologizing for.

Having said all this, I have some speculations why my girlfriend is the way she is. First, it’s her character. Even her parents say that she could be very angry as a little child. Second, I know that she was not taken care of very well during childhood. One could even say that she was neglected. Add to that many bad experiences with guys. She really has a terrible record of guys cheating on her. I don’t think she’s had even one boyfriend who didn’t cheat on her (except me). She’s also been to a therapist who, too, complained that he couldn’t get through to her because she’s too aggressive and closed.

Having said all this, I want to ask for your guidance. My goal, at this point, is to find coping mechanisms. I think one thing that would really help me is to figure out how you would describe her behavior. Sometimes, I wonder whether she has a borderline personality disorder or maybe it’s just passive-aggressive behavior? I wonder about this not to judge her, but because I would love to understand where she’s coming from. If I had a clearer understanding of what internal struggles she faces, I could cope with it much better. I have also thought about buying books about how to deal with a possible illness she may be suffering from. With all this, I don’t want to “pathologize” her. Indeed, she has complained that I do that. I just want to make this relationship get on to safer grounds more quickly. The worst behavior has slowly decreased, but it’s a very hard process.

Thank you so much!