> i do have to talk with him about my expectations and his, surrounding therapy i mean. we touched on it today when i told him i feel pressured to "do something" each time or do more, faster. It's because i don't want to let him down and because i am terrified he'll just say that i have been doing this long enough, get out. He said we definitely have to talk about that until i can believe and trust him.

thats great! I'm really glad that you brought it up :-)

> i simply can't financially afford to have many sessions in which i just stare at the floor.

that is interesting... i guess... that sometimes... we have this view of what counts as progress and what doesn't. sometimes progress consists in a certain thing (to our mind) and there can be pressure to get to that.

a couple weeks back i didn't know what to say so we kind of sat in silence for a bit when i arrived. then he asked me whether silences were okay for me or whether i'd prefer it if he said something to break them. i said that mostly they were okayish... but that sometimes i did need him to break them but that i could probably indicate that okay. then we sat in silence for a bit.

then i said 'i can think of stuff to say but i feel like none of it really matters. that it is just avoiding or something'.

and so we talked about that for a bit. about pressure to 'perform' or to talk about something that is considered 'worthy' and about pressure to conform to some model of what constitutes progress. and he said that he probably hadn't helped with that so much (with letting me know i could talk about whatever).

and i talked for a bit about stuff that i didn't think really mattered. and after some time... i got to talking about how i feel like i have to perform sometimes and i dont' feel authentic and stuff like that.

and it ended up being a really good (and productive) session. felt freer afterwards. freer to be me and not spend my life running around conforming to what i think other people might expect of me.

it wore of, of course...

but i just mean to say that sometimes progress comes when you don't seek it directly. and sometimes... well... having half a session in silence might really help that second half be truely meaningful.

perhaps.