One of the things that I learned about myself being the youngest child was that I also imprinted things I had not realized that actually became a "life" pattern to me as a person. My oldest sister was only 2 when my older brother came along and SHE AWAYS HATED HIM, and she still does to this very day. When my older brother was so little my sister hated him so much she tried to kill him. My entire childhood was stuck between my two siblings that hated each other and my older sister made it clear to me that if I played with my older brother she would not play with me and "ignore/ban/hate me".

My sister was jealous of me because I got to be "the baby", yet she also was old enough so she used me for "her" sense of control but I was much too little to understand that. And she liked having "me" to boss around and criticize because she needed to "feel" more than or better than. My family dynamics were such that I grew to HATE competitive and criticizing behaviors that I saw HURTING my family members. I became very sensitive and hated it when I saw people being "hurt" too. I have been told many times that I am gifted and should have gone into the field of psychology, but the truth is the way I am gifted is actually very "sad" and made me very vulnerable to developing PTSD which is what I suffer from now.

There are things about each of us that develop in us in our early childhoods that we don't even realize. It's not our fault either, we can all be sensitive in our own ways not realizing how that developed that really does go all the way back.

My entire childhood I felt like "something" was missing and I just did not know what it was, after all, how would I if it was missing. My older brother had learning disabilities, my older sister ALWAYS hated him and did not want ANYONE to be nice to him or play with him and she ALWAYS deemed him the bad child. I ALWAYS felt sorry for him because he was abused for something he could not help.

I was drawn to a certain forum on this site and I could not understand "why" and it was also a place I would get triggered a lot too. I was constantly feeling like I would get punished in some way and I could not seem to figure it out, but what tended to happen was I would begin having flashbacks too. What I disliked the most about that one forum was X vs Y and how mean and condescending some posters would get, that triggered how my older sister tended to get ESPECIALLY with my older brother.

I began to look for a way to help that atmosphere be more welcoming and it was not always easy and often "yes" I would get attacked too, especially if I had been triggered and was somehow back in time but not consciously realizing it. Truth is that anyone that acts like my older sister can trigger me in that she was bossy, always had to be right, was judgemental and condescending and the forum (environment) most definitely had to be under HER CONTROL. If I did not play along with HER game and desire to have the CONTROL and always be RIGHT in her opinions, I always had the threat of being BANNED. Unfortunately for her, I am not the only one that gets this feeling about her, she is like that with EVERYONE. Her behaviors that are hurtful and controlling and condescending is what she learned to do in order to GET HER WAY that developed in her childhood. She is unaware of how she affects people around her and she simply just follows a pattern that she developed a long time ago that proved to work for her in her desire to have the CONTROL.

I don't want to be on your list of responses that to you never seem to reach "your" challenge but instead tend to come across as criticisms. I don't see anything wrong with your desire to be appreciated and develop your true sense of understanding "self" instead of entertaining "self criticism". If you are not with a therapist that is trained to listen to you and explore your early childhood with you to help you recognize what may have developed in you that you are not aware of, you can face what you have been facing where you keep repeating what bothers you and you don't get the one thing you need to "hear/read" in a response that helps you finally understand your own void or deep challenge. There are a lot of labels to this site and a lot of members that are challenged by these different labels. So sometimes a person may not quite get what they are needing, it can get frustrating as you are probably experiencing.

When I developed PTSD that resulted from a big trauma my therapist had wanted me to talk about my childhood. I really did not think that was important, even thought I had made peace with the challenges I had faced. I was WRONG about that.

I finally realized that one thing I ALWAYS hated in my life that most definitely goes all the way back for me is this X vs Y mentality that I most definitely saw was very hurtful and somehow, I was constantly in the middle of that problem where all I wanted was "please be nice". Yes, the answer to the puzzle is in you but you have to see how it actually developed.