im not, i miss her though and wish that i could help her... i guess im sad about it that it didnt work out the way i dreamed it would, but even though i was lied to... used.. manipulated.. cheated.. frauded... im not angry... im disappointed

but my feelings and emotions are crazy and my mind seems split or messed up so i dont really know whether im coming or going for the most part... im angry when im angry, which is rare... because i dont let it come out, or try not to... im happy when im happy, but things can get weird and have an array of mixed feelings... its confusing to me, i dont really understand my feelings very well and i guess i dissociate heavily...

thinking about it makes me sad

i have an issue with expectations, limits, and things... if somethings not right, its my fault, that kind of thing... but my T says its because i had to learn to be this way because it kept me from getting in trouble

i told her something like "im not supposed to be worried about getting in trouble, im supposed to be causing trouble, im an adult, not a child" hehe raising hell you know? party party woooot
but i cant because of the way i am, always on guard