sorry, i feel really confused..

my main goal for making myself go to therapy today was to just tell her that i think im a manipulator, she said she didnt think i was but just that its easier for me to go into happy mode than to face other things so im not manipulating or lying im just avoiding stuff i guess.. but its not intentional, i tried to stress that several times... it happens, i cant help it, and while im like that the stuff im saying are just as true as the things im saying now, whatever it is im saying

i've already forgotten most of what she said which kind of sucks but im hoping that it will all come back some day...

im supposed to be trying to "feel" things... like when i start to feel a pain, or feel uneasy, or feel anxious... to allow it and let it pass rather than suppressing it or whatever i do, dissociating or something.. but i told her that its difficult because i lose control and am on an autopilot or something or maybe i just zone out completely..? i dont really know, my memory is so fragmented... not even fragmented, its more like non existent, stupid movie theater that i live in is broken

i need real friends, but i push everyone away when i get close to having a real friend because i get scared.. i just dont wanna be hurt anymore, when will i stop being hurt?

i feel so alone