I've always been a depressed guy but I've had this thread of euphoria through the way I've coped with it. The depression made me feel deeply about things. To cure my depression I would use philosophy, sex, and music which I harnessed to feel very euphoric. So it was a controlled euphoria. However, over time, my depression increased but so did my controlled euphoria until I finally had a psychotic break that lasted an entire year. I was utterly suicidal but at the sametimes, I could force myself through sex, music and philosophy to still strive towards that euphoric cure. It wasn't enough though. I was too suicidal for too long and I embarresed myself and I was sent to the hospital. They thought I was schizophrenic. I was in such bad shape. My memory was shot from he stress to the hippocampus. The meds me made confused. They put me on Risperdal. It was horrible. I then fought with my psychiatrist and we finally settled on Geodon. I was still severely depressed though with some controlled euphoria. But I was on the whole, suicidally depressed still, just not psychotic. Then he put me on an SSRI and I went full blown manic depressive and I was put off it and put on lithium. My doctor then said I had some sort of schizoaffective bi polar type. It's when you can have a remain in a constant psychotic state. Mine was paranoid.

My question is, what is this depression that I could partially control with so strongly with philosophy, music and sex so well? Now that I'm on a mood stabilizer (lamictal) it's impossble to harness that controlled euphoria. Which strikes me. It's like taking se away from a nymphomaniac. It's heart crushing that philosophy doesn't cause the same sentiments in me as it did before.