I've decided that it is almost worse to not feel than it is to feel. Like, being totally emotionLESS. Blocking things off completely. I have spent this entire year trying to get to the bottom of certain memories (and memory blanks) and now that I have gotten through the worst and jeoprodised my work with it all I have left my job to take time out, I feel as I have all year that I can face whatever it may or may not be and deal with it. But now that I REALLY am ready and wanting to i have blocked it all so much I can't even touch it in any way. I TRY to think about it but there is nothing. I am so numb and empty. I get brief images/flashbacks but of insignificant but related stuff. I WANT it to be tangible, to be able to get in touch with it, to feel it, TO DEAL WITH IT. I haven't been able to get to this point before bacuse I didn't want to make accusations about something that might not be true but now I have the proof that I wanted (although, strangely enough given how tangible I want this all to be, not an actual memory, just 'evidence' given to me). I had wanted this proof so I could move forward out of the rut I was in (not knowing either way if anything had happened) and move towards the closure I have been seeking this whole time. ALL I WANT TO DO IS FEEL IT, OWN IT, DEAL WITH IT, AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE FROM THIS. And now even a part of the original trigger (something completely unrelated to any of this) has gone from something on paper to a visual 'cue' which can come as flashbacks but again with no emotions associated with it; well, some anxiety but I think that is more to do with BEING so emotionless around it all. Instead I am left with deep frustration and anxiety, neither of which are in any way helpful to me. And I am faced with only 1 more t visit before I go away for poss up to a month...Grrrrr... Total frustration...