Thank you all so much for your replies! They mean so much to me

I actually broke down in tears when I saw people had been able to reply.. This may sound ridiculous, but I actually thought the world would come to an end if I even revealed I have these emotions inside of me, let alone show them to anyone..

I saw a therapist before but after losing my job, haven't been able to afford it.. For now, I'm just happy and grateful I can share and discuss these things here, I feel it helps make the thought of these emotions less scary to me.. So thank you all!!