I'm not sure if this belongs here or in the "parts" forum. But after T said what she said to me yesterday, I was thinking that there has to come a time when I finally allow someone "In". Why do I STILL NOT believe her when she says she likes me. When am I going to just accept it.

Then I was thinking of all the avoidence habits I have. Once upon a time it was booze, then drugs and now the %#@&#! internet. Why do I hide from what does exist for me in real life?

I remembered T saying once about the case study of a boy that had been adopted and how aged 3 he went around a room lifting all the womens skirts up. T said he was still searching for his birth mother, unconsiously.

I became aware of a 3yr old inside of me and said "ok stop it,enought already, you are never going to find your real mother and you need to accept that you've found as good as your going to get in T, stop all the obsessive habits" but then suddenly I am hit with a very, deep depression that I know I don't want to feel. All my life while I've been "searching" consiously and unconsiously, I've avoided the grief. I know until I face this my life will not change.

I'm afraid that if I let go all my habits, then the world as it is will not meet my needs. That I will be left yearning and wanting and needing for ever and ever. Then I thought about when your learnign to swim, and your holding on to the edge afraid to let go and swim. I need to do this now, I need to chance I wont' drown. But what becomes of the part that has been searching all my life? Where does that go? and will it listen to me?