Forgive me, I am in a particularly bad funk today because on top of the depression I came down with some cold/virus thingy so now I'm out of my internship and in bed all day.

I decided I am sick of T and feel like telling him that I never want to talk to him again.

You see, I spoke with him yesterday because the depression was so bad-- and I told him how at night it gets particularly severe. He told me how if it ever gets to the point at night in which I feel unsafe and completely overwhelmed, that I should go to the emergency room. I wanted to tell him, "%#@&#! you." I'm not going into the %#@&#! hospital, I HAVE TOO MANY THINGS TO DO. Doesn't anyone understand this?!?!

I am so aggravated because.... what is my alternative? I guess just to sit around and wait for the depression to lift-- only so another episode can come back soon enough-- perhaps right after Christmas, like it did last year for seven weeks.

I feel like my depression is so independent of anything... it just shows up and the world stops. It is independent of T and of meds... so I don't feel like talking to him anymore. I wanted him to fix it. He can't. So %#@&#! him. He told me yesterday to remember that he is t hinking of me. I felt like saying, "Yeah right."

I feel like putting my hands on his shoulders and shaking him back and forth and yelling, " Don't you understand that I'm graduating in six months?? That I applied for doctoral school?? Don't you understand that I have reading to do... research.. papers... patients to see... work to do... a house to care for... and it's getting to the point where I am scared shitless??? I'm not going to the %#@&#! emergency room. Do something!!!!"

But in actuality, what can he really do?

I am writing all of this in the letters that I give him every Saturday-- I need to let him know all of it.