****************
****************
** Trigger Warning **
****************
****************
Maybe my post doesn't require such a dramatic warning, but, better safe than sorry. Right?

My new bf, Bill, and I got into a conversation last night about my childhood. See: I have this major resentment towards my mom and dad for their HUGE mistakes starting from my early childhood until I was in my 30's. It wasn't just me. My parents' mistakes also affected my brother and sister. Just... in different ways.

Anyway, Bill wanted to get a list of people of whom we're planning on sending Christmas cards to. I had to push myself to plan on sending a card to any of my family members. I finally put my parents and one of my uncle's on the list, despite of how I feel inside. However, I did share that I was extremely hesitant to even send a card. I went on to explain that I have a VERY hard time accepting my parents (particularly my mom) because of the things that they did/didn't do. I was not descriptive of the abuse that came in my childhood, really. I just kind of kept it at that, hoping that it would be enough to make Bill "back down" on pushing me to get to know my family.

Maybe an hour later, we went to bed, and I spent the night fighting horrible nightmares. Absolutely horrible ~ and I woke a few times. The last time was the longest and worst, of course!! I just could NOT shake that horror. The intense fear and self-hate that comes along with it for me were so intense... I just thank my lucky stars that I had a therapy appointment set up to go to this morning!!! I was shaking and pushing myself hard to come up with the right words to suffice my memories of this morning as well as back to him. It was very hard. I am too old for this....why in the world am I still SO shaken 40 years later?? My God, can't I please have a break??

I feel so a-l-o-n-e.