I am sorry your life is so terrible right now. Please don't feel guilty about writing the post--that's why this is an anonymous forum. I encourage you to keep posting. I wish I had something more encouraging to say...
I do agree with ElsaMars that you sound depressed. Does your job provide insurance that would pay for you to see a therapist or psychiatrist? Again, don't feel bad about you feelings, lots of us at PC have many of the same thoughts.