My precious sister died a month ago after a long battle with cancer. She was fifteen years older than me; in many ways more like a really fun, caring mother than a sister, especially when I was young. While she was so sick, the final year of her life, we didn't see too much of each other. Part of that was because we were living in different towns. We were in contact several times a week by email or on Facebook. She was an amazingly bright and lively woman. Now...nothing because, of course, she's no longer on the earth.

I have another sister; she is 18 years older than I am. We do not see eye-to-eye on many things and, while we were somewhat close in past years, we rarely have any contact anymore.

I have lost my parents, grandparents, all five of my aunts and uncles, many, many beloved pets, and now, my sister.

I was actually hanging in there, thought I was doing pretty well. On the day my sister died, I was notified that my pdoc (a terrific lady) was no longer with the clinic. They cancelled my appointment and I've never seen her again. I have an appointment with another pdoc, but not until mid-December.

I'm on many meds, maximum doses, and they were really helping over the summer and fall. A few days ago, at the one-month mark of my sister's death, one of my cats had diarrhea and I absolutely plunged into terror. I took him to the vet, he's on medication and will hopefully get better.

My depression is smashing me. It came on so suddenly this time. The time change is contributing; the early darkness following the pale blue wintry day. I feel like I'm crazy again. There are no more med changes I can make; I've made them all. This post is just...me trying to give voice to the way I'm feeling.