Hi Shezbut,

I relate a lot I guess to what you experiencing, I've never come to a closure with my relationship with my parents. It's very painful and confusing, especially this tension of us wanting to do a gesture of forgiveness and peace with our parents, and our deep resentment and hatred to what they have done to us in the past.

Forgiveness according to Pete Walker is not a cognitive decision or a mental exercise forced on ourselves (by ourselves or by others) to behave according in a certain way. If we truly feel forgiving towards our parents ( a very long process of vacillating between loving and hating them, grieving our past, understanding our parent's extenuating circumstances), then this can materialize into affection and love towards them. I remember when I was a kid, and I never touched or cried in the presence of my mother, I was very anxious when I see kids cuddle their mothers and they get the milk of human kindness in return. Of course I internalized this over the years into a defect I genuinely have. We can't feel relaxed and peaceful around our parents, neither we can't simply forgive them, because according again to Pete Walker, there are at least 3 conditions that cause this.

* our parents continue to treat us with a lack of respect, and this makes trust and openness impossible in their presence.
* our parents are no longer abusive but we still feel deep trepidation around them because they have expressed no remorse about their past hurtfulness. This often leaves us unconsciously contracted in fear that their rage will suddenly reawaken and scourge us.
* our parents are no longer actively abusive, but their self-centered-ness and lack of genuine interest in us makes us feel as hurt and alienated as we did in childhood.

Forgiving feelings cannot arise in the face of abuse because fear automatically drives us out of heart-ceneterdness into hypervigilance or dissociation.

Hope this sheds some light into why we still experience fear and anxiety around our parents. No one can force you to betray yourself and forcibly forgive your parents.