After a rough night where my anxiety was fighting my meds (and clozaril seems to always win when it is that versus my wanting to stay awake) but with many times waking to check on her/feed her she seems a little better today. When I woke up and went to the bathroom she got up on her own and squawked at me to feed her which is a very good sign. Every time I've fed her she's eaten a bit and is drinking. Most importantly she is peeing.

So I am beginning to hope that I was wrong that she's dying immediately. I think maybe instead that the process is beginning but she's not ready to be done yet. I also think her arthritis is an issue and am giving her meds for that which should help more over the next few days.

I'm still terrified that I'm going to lose her. I know that it's coming; at 21 there's just no way to doubt that. But not today. I think.