I'm home sick today and have basically just been waiting for a call from T or pdoc to let me know about my Lithium levels and other bloodwork (Sometimes pdoc tells T stuff and T passes it on to me, which I'm fine with cause I'd rather talk to T unless I have specific questions for the pdoc). Anyway, when I spoke with T yesterday he said that he left a msg. for pdoc to let him know that my depression has been worsening.

So I'm laying on the couch and my cell phone rings and I see it's the number from the center. I pick it up and it's the receptionist. She says, "Dr. P wanted me to call you and let you know that all of your bloodwork is normal. If you have any specific questions you can call him, but he said that any changes, etc. will be discussed at your next session." So I asked her what the specific blood level of my Lithium was and she said she didn't know cause the doctor has my chart.

I hung up the phone and lost it.

My depression is worsening and I should wait until our next appointment for changes? That's 21 days away!!

I started to cry and I was literally shaking. I lost control and SI'ed right on my wrist (don't worry, not deep) and then took my bottle of Lithium and started throwing handfuls down the garbage disposal. I did not throw it all away. I still have some left even though I am not entirely sure I even want to take it. (I know I should, I know it's dangerous to just stop).

Then I left T a msg. like a total %#@&#!. I told him that I lost control and I told him what I did. I said that I probably should have left the message before I did those things, but I just acted on impulse. Then I thanked him for allowing me to leave these types of messages and said that I was going to lay down, try to relax, and remain in control. Which is what I did. I did not tell him not to call back, nor did I tell him to call back.

I am frustrated, depressed, embarrassed, ashamed, angry, disconnected, scared, and confused. And I can't stop sneezing.