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I'd really like to know whether (and to which extent) it's BP.
I do believe it's trying to feel (a bit manic). But it's a delusional belief that mania is necessary because I cannot function otherwise (which is also true but a bit chicken-and-egg), for me. It's perfectionism.
I also really fear mania, so I just freeze.
And that's at least not (typical of) BP: I do it to fail.
So it's certainly not just BP, for me. But I'd like to know what exactly, if anything, about it is.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.
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