And I'm having a bit of a hard time articulating it. But it's been racing around in my mind along with all the rage that accompanies these thoughts for the past couple hours. I've gotten worked up into this state before, and usually just let it die down, but right now I just needed to put something semi-constructive somewhere.

An article on narcissism set me off this time; I've kind of accepted the possibility that I'm a narc of some sort, but I feel so much rage actually reading descriptions that match perfectly with my experience. Yes, it does makes me angry and frustrated that I was not born elite, am not born innately good. Sometimes this is almost a motivating thought, like I want to work myself into the ground to attain a safe place amongst the best. Mostly though, it just results in a lot of impotent rage. And I know how impotent it is - my only hope at getting anything or being anything is through excrutiating labor, which, frankly, doesn't seem worth it. There's no guarantee of success. Why me indeed. Why wasn't I just born as good as other people. I wasn't, but I wish I was. That's bad, apparently.

People go on about how "you're not entitled to anything". As though people in the real world actually have to struggle and practically kill themselves with exertion to get anything at all. Yet I don't see that. I see people have friends gravitate to them, success come with moderate effort, natural good looks at most crafted with a little makeup (sidenote: sometimes I have this very distinct feeling that I look freakishly wrong. No logical reason, but like I look almost alien compared to everyone else. I'm not talking about clothes or hairstyles but more basic stuff like face structure). And I'm such a bad person for being frustrated that that's all beyond me? I know I don't do anything - but why am I so bad and wrong that I have to?

Even worse is how many innate things about my personality supposedly bespeak a disgusting sense of entitlement. My envious nature; my inability to connect with other people; my generally external locus of control. I can see all this, sure, but I can't change it. There's nothing I can do about it. And the way to get rid of a sense of entitlement is too unbearable. I don't know how anyone who isn't basically a Buddhist monk could do it.

This has been another one of my semi-coherent rants. Thanks for reading if you did.